SAVE THIS MESSAGE FOR WHEN THE HARD TIMES COME

The other day on IG, I shared some personal advice on  “How to get through hard times.” It’s a pretty damn good post (if I do say so myself!) because it’s 5 BASIC THINGS we sometimes forget to do (or try to avoid doing!) when we’re going through The Valley of the Shadow of Death. I’d love for you to click here to read it in its entirety, but before you do, I need to add an addendum.

There’s something REALLY important that I left off that list:

#6: Be BOLD & LOUD AF about asking for support. 

One of the things I see and experience time & time again while talking with clients is a palpable sense of desperation to be and feel more supported in their lives. But the odd thing is that–when the shit hits the fan?? 

They don’t ask for the help they need.

Instead, they tend to shut down. 

They turn inward. 

They go silent. 

They “don’t want anyone in their business”. 

They don’t want to be “judged” for their need. 

They “don’t like asking for help”.

And it’s fascinating to witness because it creates a situation where they literally ARE NOT allowing the very support they need. Then they say things like,  

No one cares about me. 

Or…

The people around me never support me.

And then, as their coach, it’s my job to start probing and asking the deeper questions like….

• Do your people know you need help?

• Who specifically have you asked?

• What EXACTLY did you say?

• What specific support did you ask for?

• How did they respond?

• And most importantly, How did YOU respond to THEIR response (or lack of)?

Because the fact of the matter is–most of us have that bad habit of shutting down when we need help. 

Especially women.

Particularly WOC.

Acutely Black women. 

We’re so used to just going, going, going, and doing, doing, doing that when we can’t DO anymore?

When LIFE happens to us and we can no longer be the engine that actually DRIVES everything around us?

Our worlds fucking collapse. 

People break our hearts. 

But the truth is that….in some ways? 

We have also broken our own. 

And be clear–this isn’t shame because I GET IT. I’ve done it before FOR DECADES. 

I somehow convinced myself that “not needing anything” would let people know I was “strong”, and by seeing my “quiet strength”, they’d subconsciously feel MORE COMPELLED to proactively offer help, guidance & support….. 

…without me opening up my mouth and asking.

(I just chuckled when I typed those words because this version of me can now hear just how INSANE that sounds). 

And as we all know, it doesn’t work like that. 

Not because people are mean. 

Not because they don’t love or care for you.

Not because they aren’t “concerned enough” about your wellbeing. 

Sometimes it’s really as simple as–you didn’t open up your mouth and say something.

And no matter how amazing & emotionally aware your partner is,

No matter how many tears you cry in front of your friends,

No matter how many hints you drop about needing help,

No matter how many times you casually drop that you don’t have your bill/rent/mortgage/food money, 

It will still always, always, always be your responsibility to ask for the support you need. 

Because this is what it means to speak your truth, know your worth & trust your authority–

Telling the truth about what you need,

Knowing & believing that you are worthy of support,

And then trusting in your God-given authority to be BOLD & LOUD AF about asking for the support you need to get it. 

Amen?

Xo,

D.

THIS IS HOW YOU CREATE SELF-SOVEREIGNTY

Self Sovereignty, at its core, is about BELONGING TO YOURSELF & being your own authority.​​​​​​​​
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It's about doing the deep internal work to know, trust & honor yourself so you can design a life that tells a more COMPLETE truth of the woman you truly are, instead of constantly looking around at your life thinking, ​​​​​​​​
​​​​​​​​
"Not this." 🚫​​​​​​​​
"Not me." ✌🏾​​​​​​​​
And most dangerously of all:​​​​​​​​
"Fuck this shit." 🧨🔥​​​​​​​​
​​​​​​​​
The reality is, sometimes creating the life YOU KNOW you're here to have requires setting a blowtorch to everything around you but...if it ultimately brings you more PEACE in the end?​​​​​​​​
​​​​​​​​
I'd say the destination was 1000% worth the journey.​​​​​​​​
Wouldn't you?

THE THING KEEPING YOU FROM YOUR PURPOSE

Popping in to remind you that your “purpose” isn’t about your DOING, it’s about your BEING. 

It’s less about doing the “right” thing and more about doing the aligned thing. But in order to know whether or not you’re aligned with the thing in front of you, you have to first ask yourself:

WHAT AM I TRYING TO ALIGN TO?? 

(yes, I know this isn't grammatically correct but it sounds better this way.)

Because THIS is the question that helps us differentiate goals from intentions. 

When we make GOALS, we tend to focus on ‘outcomes”. On having & getting things. Achievements. Proving. Random accomplishments to check off our list. But it’s exactly that–our getting, forcing & grasping–that ends up being the very thing that keeps us from our purpose. Being too laser-focused on the narrow, “WHAT” questions (What am I doing? What’s the goal?), instead of the deeper “WHYs”:

• Why am I doing this?

• Why does this even matter to me?

• Why is this important to my unique life story & experience? 

And until we answer THESE questions, it will always feel like we’re on a never-ending hamster wheel, constantly going, striving, achieving…and yet somehow still feeling empty inside. 

Because the truth is, underneath all that effort, what we’re truly searching for is a deeper meaning that we’ve never even slowed down enough to find.

Yikes. 

But INTENTIONS, on the other hand?

Those are about our feelings. 

They’re about focusing on WHO we’re being in our lives–also known as our WHY–and letting that motivate & guide our behavior and decisions. About aligning ourselves with the energy we’re seeking to create…while ALSO keeping our eyes open for all of the miraculous ways that energy can show up BEYOND what we’ve scripted. 

Instead of boxing ourselves in with constricting, specific goals like,

• Hit $250,000 in business revenue (but no actual plan for the money for who it will serve)

• No sugar, no bread & eat vegan every day from now on (give yourself some GRACE)

• Get engaged in 12 months (wait–you’re gonna put a timeframe on MARRIAGE?🥴)

Intentions guide us to dig deeper & access the underlying desire behind how we want to feel so we can make the feeling the focus…and then set our sights in that direction. So instead of starting with what I want to achieve, I start with who I want to BE, how I want to FEEL, and then create a roadmap from there. 

Intention setting is about moving away from being hyper-focused on the things we want to achieve & getting clear on how we want to show up in our lives, the energy we want to embody throughout the year, and using those breadcrumbs to create a vision that still leaves room for Spirit to do its thang.

This is a small but incredibly transformational shift that totally changes how you interact with your life. And it’s especially powerful if you happen to be like me–someone who grew up in high stress/pressure situations and is therefore COMPLETELY turned off by any strategy that encourages me to repeat these patterns as an adult. If this is you, this process will revolutionize how you move through your life. 

Because when we get too focused on getting the EXACT THING we want in the EXACT WAY & timeline we want it, we end up with tunnel vision ( 🚩🚩 not to mention dysregulated nervous systems & overworked adrenals). And while tunnel vision can be great for the times when we need extreme focus…it’s not great as a continuous life strategy for us as humans. 

Tunnel vision is the very thing that causes us to miss what’s really important, tryna be focused on what we think is important, but it doesn’t have to be this way. 

You don’t have to miss your purpose trying to find your purpose.

I promise, there is another way. 

MY MANIFESTO FOR VALUES CENTERED LIVING

Call me crazy, but I want to live in a world where honesty, integrity, bravery & truth are core values that we hold as a collective. And not just the pretty, convenient truths but the inconvenient ones too. The kind that require emotional vulnerability, courage, uncomfortable conversations & drawing clear lines in the sand. 

I want the messy decisions to be applauded. The ones we make based on our inner truths & most passionate core values, not solely on how they impact our wallet. Where, as a community, we touch & agree that our bottom line must be about igniting our fire, sparking our inner genius, continuous self-discovery, taking radical responsibility for our needs, and being in integrity with our own soul.

 Not just the dollars & cents. 

Hell-fucking-naw. 

I want us to grow brave enough to show up to this life as ourselves and to know with every fiber of our being that someone will be there to greet us the moment we take our mask off by saying, “Me too. You are not alone.”

I know this is pie-in-the-sky level shit and yet….it’s my dream.

That we each feel emboldened by our own unique desires & passions…without them being overshadowed by fears that we can’t have both, the dream AND a deeply nourishing love. Or that surrendering to our passions will relegate us to spending our entire lives financially hovering just above the poverty line, barely getting by. 

 I don’t want to have to abandon myself to succeed. 

I don’t want to become completely unrecognizable to the people I know & love to succeed.

I don’t want to have to discard my dreams to succeed. 

I don’t want to have to stop cursing, talking about kinky sex, or my deep devotion to God to succeed.

 I want it all.

For me and for you, too. This freedom is for all of us.

So I dream of a world where women & girls feel free to choose themselves first and create soulfully, thoughtfully, diligently, intentionally created lives that light them up. Lives that deeply matter to them. Where we’re encouraged to trust ourselves, to listen to ourselves, and to turn inward before we turn outward. A world where the heroine’s journey is celebrated and venturing off the beaten path is both the goal AND standard. Where exploration, creativity & curation are the only norms we’re pushed to follow and where the most profound questions always lead us back to ourselves. 

 I truly believe there’s only ONE thing that we’re all sent here to do:

Show up our lives with radical honesty, a willingness to surrender to What Is, and a commitment to let go of anything & everyone that tells us that we can’t be the person our soul is telling us to be (yes, in my world this is ONE thing, lol ). But this all starts with vulnerability & truth. 

 So listen to that small voice that keeps telling you, 

"There’s more for you than this.” 

Trust it. And follow it like your life depends on it…

because it actually does.

YEAR END WRAP-UP: 2021

I’m taking a quiet week to myself (after a VERY emotionally rough Christmas weekend, full transparency) but wanted to pop in to say thank you for rocking with me. 

Not only this year, but in general. 

A few of you have been here a really long time–all the way back to when I first started my interior design blog in 2008–and in the event I’ve never said it before, I wanted you to know that your being here–reading my newsletters & magazines, sharing intimate details of your life in my DMs & inbox, listening to my podcast, staying engaged with my work, allowing me to guide you in Wig Snatch sessions, joining my Marrakech/Bali retreats, investing in UNAPOLOGETIC, purchasing Intention Bracelets, attending my masterclasses & workshops–really means so much to me. 

I’ve allowed myself the grace to be reborn in so many ways over the past 11 years but to be honest–haven’t always known what I was doing. Matter of fact, I’ve RARELY known ahead of time. But what I have known (or rather, felt) is when I’d arrived at the end of one journey & it was time to embark on another. It’s been scary, but I’ve honored that knowing again & again over the years and you’ve been right here beside me. So whether you’ve been here since Day 1 OR if you’ve found me recently, THANK YOU. 

Western culture tells us that the only investment that matters is money but for me, that’s simply not true. Taking a few minutes out of your day to read my emails or engage with my content is actually an investment of your most precious non-renewable resource–TIME. So even if you’ve never purchased a thing from me, I want you to know that I see you. I appreciate you. And I deeply honor your choice to invest your most valuable resource with me.

In the coming year I’ll share more about the core values & principles that guide my work, but it’s fitting to say a bit about one of them right now:

COMMUNITY. 

I LOVE COMMUNITY. I mean, I luuuuhhhhhhhhhhhvvveeeee community. I love the art of gathering humans–linked by consciously shared commitments, principles, and values–to do life together. I love shining a light on the common threads that bind us across backgrounds, stories & languages. I love reminding people, “You are not alone”. I love discussing things that can’t be explained using logic. I love connecting with humans who intentionally live their lives in radically honest & transparent ways. Who grapple with the uncertainty and complexity of what it means to be human. People who aren’t afraid to wade into deep waters, have vulnerable conversations, and ask scary questions that lead to life-changing decisions. 

THESE ARE MY KINFOLK. THIS IS THE COMMUNITY I LOVE CURATING.

And if you’re reading this, it means you’re one of these people too. 

I’m enamored with women who fully live the width & depth of their lives, celebrating their joys AND honoring their sorrows. The kind who’ll burn their entire lives down to the ground if it means a chance at showing up as a more honest & true version of themselves. Women who aren’t afraid to take the inconvenient long road if it creates a more meaningful story. The ones who publicly share their “mess” & proudly live their most deeply held principles out loud.

The Ari Corteses.

The Sheyla Perezes. 

The Brandi Sheltons.

The Andra Thomases.

The Simone Williamses.

The Courtney Cummingses.

The Keisha Fogles. 

The Kris Clarkes. 

The Jennifer Arnises.

The Ina Joneses.

The Kia Players.

The Crystal Andrewses.

The Raquel Sanchez Sullivans.

And these are just a few of the first names that came to mind. 

Doing this work, in all of its different iterations, has allowed me to meet & connect with so many humans that I NEVER EVER would’ve had the chance to meet otherwise. Hands down, I would not be the Dayka I am today without the thousands of you I’ve had personal encounters with over the last decade-plus. And words alone would never be enough to adequately articulate the abiding richness you’ve added to my life. 

The humans–you–have been the most treasured gift in my 11 years of business. You’ve expanded me. Trusted me. Taught me. Challenged me. Affirmed me. Supported me.  Encouraged me. Consoled me. Corrected me. Cared for me. Recommended me. Hyped me. Shared with me. Invested in me. And this has meant so much because entrepreneurship is fucking hard soul work. No matter if you’re making $1 or $1M. It’s not just about having the courage to put your complete trust into yourself & your own ideas, but ALSO the fact that entrepreneurship constantly exposes you to yourself. It’s a mirror for the places where your wounds are hiding. Where your childhood traumas are being triggered. Where your unexplored gifts & strengths seek to be exposed. Where your bullshit is hanging out the back of your skirt like toilet paper. And the evidence of where your deepest core beliefs are either bolstering or sabotaging your dreams. 

It’s all in there, all the time. And no matter what it may seem like from across this computer, I can assure you that I am a REAL person who experiences these things too. Yes, I’m smart as hell, brave, bold, confident, adventurous & funny AF. But I also fuck things up. I get scared. I second-guess myself. I say & do the wrong things. I hurt people’s feelings. I get humbled by life & not a week goes by that I don’t turn inward to audibly ask God for guidance, clarity & help. 

This business has been one of my biggest soul lessons & I know that I am not here on my own accord. It’s taken every ancestor, archangel, prayer, breath, oracle card, crystal, conversation, relationship, lesson, ounce of Grace, Act of God and each one of YOU to get here, so before we end the year I just wanted to send this note of thanks. If no one has told you today, YOU MATTER. You matter to people who you don’t even realize you matter to. You have made a profound difference in my life. And you have helped me know myself in a way that never could’ve been possible without your presence. I would not be here without you, my business would not be here without you and for that, I am eternally grateful. 

From the most sincere place in my heart–thank you.

I hope you have a safe, restorative New Year, in whatever way your soul is craving most. 

I love you all. See you in 2022, inshallah. 

Dayka

NORTH STAR VS. SOUTH STAR LIVES

20 years ago I thought I wanted my life to be a big house in Buckhead, a Benz in the garage, a fine ass man in the driver's seat + 2 copy/paste kids in the back. But now I’ve lived enough to know that I want MORE. 

I want the relationships & family to ENRICH my life, but I don't want them to BE my life.

I don’t want anything at the center of my life but ME. And that’s a really ballsy thing for a woman to say. 

Because relationships are easy “North Stars” for us women.

We focus on them from the moment we start getting wet between our legs & told that our security–physical, financial or emotional–can only be ensured by being in one. But every time we rush to find a partner BEFORE really exploring our own selves, the very thing we THOUGHT would be our safety blanket usually becomes our suffocation.

Because the foundation of our lives HAS to be built on something more than just our relationships. They need to be built on OURSELVES. 

I love a good North Star but honestly? I’m more of a South Star kinda gal.

That’s the one that’s illuminated by our wounds, mistakes, secrets, shame & failures. The one that asks us to lay our vulnerabilities on the table & get quiet to ask, "What thread ties these things together? What is this showing me about myself? Where am I overlooking my GOLD?” And then going THERE. Doing THOSE things. Facing THAT wound. Speaking THAT word.

North Star lives are pretty & comfortable. They’re palatable & people celebrate you for playing the role you were told. It’s the same story told over & over again but with slight variations–Birth. School. Job. Marry. Kids. Follow the same old script & keep your head above water.

And then there are South Star lives. The ones that invite you to go off the beaten path and beckon you to take your mess & turn it into magic.

Again & again & again. Constantly dying to who you were, so you can open up to who you’re here to become.

20 years ago I just wanted to fit in, play my role, & find a man to love & claim me.

But now? All I want to do is expand into new versions of myself, never stay the same & allow the one who loves THAT version of me to show up in divine time.

What a difference 20 years (and a whole lot of embodied wisdom!) makes.

Thank God for ladyballs & South Stars. 

SHE STOOD, AND SHOOK THE EARTH

My amazing, multidisciplinary therapist suggested that I explore a practice called Lectio Davina and I started this week. And in just the last 4 days, I’ve already found it to be an incredibly powerful tool that richly deepens my own spiritual practice. (Google it). 

As part of my meditation this week, I “randomly” found a scripture that read:

“She stood, and shook the earth.”

And then I just stopped right there. Because I noticed that it didn’t say she ran,

or pushed,

or gave,

or convinced,

or maneuvered,

or strategized,

or exerted any effort at all. 

It simply said she STOOD & the earth shook. (Pause. Take a deep breath.)

And that shit blew my fucking mind. 

Because it reminded me that, contrary to what I’ve been taught, my being fully planted, firmly anchored, with both feet rooted deeply in the ground IS ENOUGH to make the earth tremble.

That my willingness to simply STAND & know that my standing alone is sufficient–

WITHOUT me having to do or prove or direct or lead or guide or save– is enough to make the ground under my feet shudder. 

It’s been a powerful reminder this week that I can just be. Breathe. Here. Now. And this world will quake. And it hit me so hard because it relates directly to something I’ve been teaching myself since this summer: slower = faster. Particularly in my business. Things move when I’m certain, sure, quiet & knowing––not anxious or desperate.

When I look back, I see now that things in my life move by me being unmovable. And maybe, if you stop and think about it, you’ll find that’s true for your life too.

Just wanted to share a reminder that we don’t have to keep “performing” ourselves to death. You don’t have to convince people to buy your products, dine at your table or even, to love you. Your being is enough. There is no race to the finish line, there is no prize for enduring.

There’s only here & now. So just breathe. Anchor your feet into the earth deep into the ground. Be still. 

And then watch the earth underneath you SHAKE. ❤️

How to SHOW UP for yourself.

Ideas are ALWAYS flying around in my head and one of my favorite ways to have an impromptu “masterclass”/community convo is through IG Live. Now I don’t make it on Live as often as I’d like to, but when I do….??

I must say, they’re pretty damn good. 

Click the image below to watch a recent live where I talk about how asking better questions is KEY to SHOWING UP for ourselves. And let me know what you think.

Xo,

D