BE VULNERABLE.

I put all of my business out there on Instagram this week. Emphasis on all. 

And instead of feeling scared, or worried about what people might think, I felt free. And incredibly empowered.

It was a reminder that I am a REAL person with a REAL body and, like many of you, going through REAL things. I think a lot about how I show up on social media & always try to make sure that I'm sharing the truth about who I am from as many angles as possible. Yes my life is good but...it's also "good" because that's the only truth I'm willing to consider about it. Things are always working out in my favor.

This Instagram post is something that, years ago, I thought I'd never do because there was a time when it seemed like being diagnosed with Vitiligo was the worst thing that could happen to me. Funny what a little time, perspective & experience can do for those self sabotaging beliefs that we unknowingly cling to for dear life....   My truth is that I'm not perfect. I don't have all the answers (the ones I do have are often subject to change), I can be impatient, I'm not always kind, and I have my own share of emotional wounds & sore spots that I'll be working to release for as long as I'm alive. But you know what? I am here. And I show up for my life, with every single thing I have, every single day. And I'm really proud of that. Yes, I do it for myself but I'm also clear that my life isn't just about me...it's about you, too. Because we need each other to survive. 

I wrote this & posted it on IG a few days ago but I think it's worth sharing here again:

"Part of the reason we must commit ourselves to telling the truth about who we are is because WE ARE ALL JUST LIGHTHOUSES FOR EACH OTHER. The only way we ever reach the shore is with HELP from another human being--I share mine, which helps you share yours, which helps someone else share theirs. We don't do each other any favors by pretending to be (have/live/do) things that we are not (and most of the time folk know when you're lying anyway!). Whoever & whatever you are is good enough, right now. Walk in Truth. Be a lighthouse."

Never be afraid to be vulnerable and share the truth about who you are because there's never a wrong time to be a lighthouse. Or a gatekeeper. Never forget that there's someone out there right now, who won't know that it can be done (whatever "it" may be) until YOU do it. And that's pretty powerful. So allow yourself to be vulnerable with people.

There's no one right way to be vulnerable--I get that social media route is not for everyone--but the point is, allow yourself to be exposed. Give yourself the privilege of being known, and watch people rise to support you....and in turn they will also support themselves.

I can assure you that there is no greater honor. Even if it means letting your belly hang out on the 'gram!!

THE MOST POWERFUL QUESTION YOU CAN ASK.

Two weeks ago, on March 4th, one of my best friends lost his father very suddenly. He was seemingly healthy, active & by all accounts, led a very full life.

And yet one minute he was here, and the next minute he was gone.

His death came just seven days after my birthday, when I shared this post about my own experience with my father's death exactly 10 years ago. My father--who also transitioned very suddenly--passed away on the day before my 28th birthday, so it's a date I've never forgotten. And it's eerie how I publicly shared these words about that time in my life just days before his father's death, completely unaware that I was actually talking directly to someone in my inner circle.

As you can imagine I've spent much of the last 2 weeks thinking a lot about grief, death, friendship, love & how we care for those closest to us.  This post is about one of those things.

After my father died I quickly came to the conclusion that asking bereaved people that all too familiar, "How are you doing?" was quite possibly thedumbest question in the world. Every time someone asked I'd always think to myself, "I just lost my father--how the fuck do you think I'm doing right now???". The question seemed to be simple, thoughtless & terribly annoying.

But then, 13 days ago, one of MY people lost one of HIS people. And all I really wanted, every day, was to ask him how he was doing.

How is your soul feeling today? Where are you emotionally? How are you processing things? 

Because as much as we're socialized to automatically ask "How are you?" as a mindless form of greeting, there are moments in life when that question truly is the only thing in the world that you want to know.

How is your heart in this moment?How do you feel in the world today? 

And now I understand, in a way that I couldn't have before, why asking people "How are you?" actually isn't the worst question in the world.

You wanna know what the worst question is?

No question at all. 

Because not asking is to presume that you already know the answer.

And that in itself can be like an act of aggression.

You ask so that you can give people a space to own their own feelings.And you ask because inquiring how someone is doing--and truly meaning it--is actually an act of love. 

One of my favorite authors, Rob Bell, taught me that the simplest things are often the most profound. He reminds me of the importance of making old things new again & encourages me to constantly uncover new meaning in the midst of the everydayness of life. Because perspective, time & evolution have shown me that simple question--the one we mindlessly ask all the time & the one I once thought to be the "dumbest question in the world"--is actually one of the most powerful questions I can ever ask.

This experience, even though we're just a few days in, has helped me bring profound meaning to what has always been right in front of me.

My friend is grieving because he loved someone. And I'm here, writing this, because I love my friend.

I can't tell you much about the road he must now walk but I can tell you all about the one I walk beside him.

It starts & ends with four simple words:

How are you doing???

IT'S JUICY IN THE MIDDLE.

A few years ago there came a point in my life where things got a little stale. Life was good but generally speaking, everything was very middle of the road.The highs weren't too high & the lows weren't too low. Living felt safe and easy. Too easy.

Because deep down I knew that I was selling myself short. 

So I put a tiny wrench in my predictable flow by deciding to book a solo trip to Istanbul--a place that wasn't even on my radar until I decided to go. I'd never been, didn't know the language & didn't know a soul. Everyone thought I was crazy to venture to Turkey alone & my mom strongly encouraged me to rethink my decision. I was scared to death because I didn't have all of the money to go and I'd even turned down a high profile design opportunity on the bet that I would be out of the country. But none of this mattered, because something was telling me that I needed to make that trip...and the minute I told the world that I was going to Istanbul, every single thing fell in line--I even scored an airline ticket at 50% off of the published price! 

I always say that the Universe will honor us when we honor ourselves, and this is just one of MANY times I've seen this principle work in my own life. Following my intuition to Istanbul ended up being one of THE best gifts I've ever given to myself.

It was there that I learned my strength, adaptability & capability aren't just limited to the United States. Or to English-speaking countries. And it was there, while eating baklava along the Bosphorus Strait, that I understood the cost of playing it safe & easy meant I would be settling for an undiscovered life. And being in Istanbul showed me that was a price I couldn't afford to pay.

It's a lessonI haven't since forgotten.

Here's the thing about settling for the lesser life:it will never get you to the juice. 

It's like hanging on the side of the pool because you know you can get wet without exerting any effort. You've got your bathing suit on & you're out there having fun, feeling like you're really getting the best of both worlds until one day you look out and realize you've been had because the real merriment is actually happening in the middle of the pool!! Everyone is doing all kinds of exciting things with both hands because the people in the middle decided to let go of the edge so they can have more experiences. The Middles are lit AF!! They can swim underwater, do cannonballs, play Marco Polo & even get in a friendly round of water polo, all while you're looking on from the outskirts, missing the action 'cause you're still hanging onto the side of the pool. Over there trying to "take it easy".

But the edge isn't as appealing once you realize the secret--the middle is where the juice is.

It's the metaphorical place where you become the storyteller of your journey.Moving across the country for new love? Leaving a secure 9-5 job to follow your passion??None of it can happen unless you let go of the edge & swim out to the middle. Because making a better story is all about opening up to the unknown.It's about letting go of who we are to make space for the potential of who we must become. 

So how exactly do you get to the juicy middle??  You do it by constantly asking yourself, "What will give me an opportunity to grow into a deeper version of myself??" and "What will make for a better life story??".And then you act accordingly. It could be as small as joining a new social group or it could be as big as finally leaving a stale relationship. No matter the move, you know when it's your time to move and you go--even in the face of uncertainty. For me, it was going to Istanbul alone, led only by the guidance of a deep knowing in my soul--my intuition.

This is the epiphany led me to launch "Lost & Found Marrakech", which is my unique way of creating a space for community & adventure to co-exist along the backdrop of the North African desert. It's my attempt to gift to other women a little bit of the same freedom, confidence, & thrill that I experienced in Istanbul. The kinda things that can change your life.

So if you've been thinking about joining me in Marrakech, knowing that you need to go but paralyzed by your what-ifs, think about what I said earlier and honor yourself so that the Universe can honor you.Deposits are due today & there are still a few spaces left--could one of them be for you?? Take inventory & ask yourself, "What will give me an opportunity to grow into a deeper version of myself??" and if coming to Marrakech feels right for you, I'd love to have you.

Hop over here to learn more. And feel free to email me if you have questions!

Masalama.

REAL ONES.

They say that making friends is harder as you get older but I don't buy into that theory.

I say that the more you grow into YOURSELF--and commit to pursuing activities/groups/places you really love--the more you attract similar people who genuinely love the same things you do. 

I think it only gets hard when, somewhere along the way,you stop going after the things that set your soul on fire. 

Now I will say this: I definitely see a difference in the QUANTITY of friends I have now, versus when I was younger. Back then there were more people to club with, gossip with, shop with, hang out with. I was young(er) & on my own for the first time--clear across the country--so all I really wanted to be was "grown". I wasn't looking for anything except to finally fit in somewhere and to know that I belonged...and I'm sure you can guess how that story goes....

But there was also a difference in the QUALITY of people I had back then, too. These days, everyone I'm close to is someone I met effortlessly while being 100% myself--the Dayka with the witty, sarcastic sense of humor, who asks a bunch of questions, loves curse words & has a naughty habit of interrupting people when she gets excited about a good conversation.We are held together by a strong core belief that God is always conspiring in our favor, even--and especially--when it doesn't look like it, and we constantly affirm this for one another.

We speak of crystals...and energy fields...and oracle cards...and possibility...and Grace (and we hit on the ratchet stuff, too!). The width of the crew may be smaller these days but the depth is the deepest I've had yet. I know I've got some amazing friends but the truth is....they are all just reflections of me.Because you can only attract who you are. 

One of the best things you can do for yourself is to create a kindred tribe of friends because your success, however you define that word, is absolutely tied to it. I'm not talking about the "good time" people who are always down to turn up at a moment's notice--instead I'm talking about the kinda friends who will gladly "hold space" for you when you can't do it for yourself. The kind of friends who really, really like you just as you are right now. The ones you can send a text saying "Do you have a minute to encourage me?" and your message will barely hit their inbox before they're dialing your number seconds later (I know 'cause I just sent this text last week!).

And you know how you meet these kinda people? By telling the truth about who you are.Because when you lead with the truth about who you are it becomes a lot easier for your life follow suit. You start going to events that truly interest you, whether that's a quilting conference (hey Ari!), a private gemstone sale or a night at the symphony.You're more likely to get on a site like Meetup.com to find interesting new social groups or to buy a ticket to hear your favorite author speak out of state...even if that means you have to go alone.You start intentionally doing the shit that interests you for no reason other than the fact that you like it. And because that kind of behavior is energetically attractive (you know,the whole taking responsibility for you own happiness thing), other people will see you and say, "You know, I have this friend I think you should meet..." and you start getting connected to other amazing people with little to no effort on your part.

All because you're honest about who are. 

Don't fall into the hype that creating genuine relationships is hard. Don't hang around people who want you to join them in complaining about how awful life is, how fucked up men/women are or who folks who love to lament how things are "never gonna change". Don't hang around people who always talk about how "broke" they are, who never take personal responsibility for their behavior or people who can't be grateful for the good stuff even when it's right in front of their face. I could give you a laundry list of reasons why you shouldn't hang around these people but here's the most important one: what they're saying simply isn't true. 

You're only as good as the people you allow to share & speak into your life. Get you some friends (yes, "get you") who will lift you up, encourage you, support you...fill your squad with people whom you ADMIRE. If you don't have friends who will speak LIFE into you...make that a priority in 2017. The people you attract in life are just a reflection of YOU. If you don't like the company you keep, well then...the first place to start is in the mirror.

22 DAYS.

22.

Alone that number doesn't mean much but in context, it represents a huge milestone in my life, because it's the amount of vacation days I took this year. 

Yup. Twenty. Two. Days. Of. Vacation. (shut up!!!!)

And I'm talking for real vacation, not that stay at home thing. That's basically a whole month of vacation, doing, living & moving as I want to. And it may not seem like a big deal to you but here's what it means to me: that the girl who graduated college not knowing what she wanted to do, bounced around from job to job, decided to follow a curiosity for which there really wasn't a path, built her own business while often feeling around in the dark, hit some personal speed bumps, and questioned whether she was doing the right thing but kept showing up--on her own terms--anyhow, can create a life where she gets 22 days of vacation in one year, then I'm pretty sure that you can do it too. I promise we're not that different.

So in the spirit of honesty, I looked back at my 2015 post written as my 2016 self and you'll see that I specifically said I was doing more traveling AND going on more vacations this year so it's not like I didn't claim it. But even then, I didn't really believe that it was possible likethis, for me. Sure everyone talks about taking "real vacations" and where they would go if they could but the reality is, we Americans tend to use our vacation days for things like handling important personal business, sick days or intermittent 3-day weekends. Not for taking care of self. As the year started progressing and Istanbul became a possibility, I said over & over that I wanted to spend more time traveling and once I did, it seemed like everywhere I looked I was being shown how possible it was. I started receiving newsletters with flight deals and following sites like Travel Noire that ramped up my desire. You've already read the story but my ticket to Istanbul? I found that deal in the wee hours of the morning after checking one of those sites on a whim. Next thing you know, I was across the world having the time of my life for a fraction of what it could've cost me with a group. BAM.

But let me not make this post about the deals.What I want to share (and celebrate) is this milestone of mine in the context of what it means to be an entrepreneur, self-employed, and to have the luxury of almost one month of vacation. There were times in these past 5 years when I didn't know how I would make it financially. When I wasn't sure what I was doing in my business. When my house seemed more like an albatross around my neck than my perfect refuge from the world. When I was all panicky like, "OMG, am I ever gonna go on vacation again??". And then all of the sudden I look up and here's 2015, dangling weeks of vacation in my face like "Heyyyyy girl, c'mon...". And you know what? These vacation days were actually work days for me (stay with me here). Not in the rolling-my-eyes-cause-I-don't-wanna-do-this kinda work but the who-I-am-and-what-I-do-are-so-in-alignment-that-work-is-my-life way. Traveling has given me content (substance). It's allowed me to not only connect with fellow travelers & people I met along my journey, but to connect with my tribe (that's YOU) in a deeper way. To expand my life and encourage you to expand yours, too. And that's really the work I want to be doing.

Pardon my brag moment but I'm pretty damn proud of this!! It's a reminder that when all of the ups & downs are weighed, I've had a better life taking a chance on me than I ever had as a 9-5 employee. There are new dreams on the horizon now + new fires burning and it helps to be reminded that I've already done so much more on my own than I ever did chained to a standard office job. And you know what else? The things I most desire are truly desiring me--just not in the way or time that I think they should. I wrote that post in January and effectively forgot about it after the first quarter. But that international vacation & those passport stamps I mentioned?They were hunting me down even in my "forgetfulness". 

So I think I've got the hang of this thing now.

Next year I'm claiming more than double which may sound crazy to you but....watch it happen.

22 days in 2015.I'm geeked. 

HOW I BECAME AN INTERIOR DESIGNER (& why awful jobs can be good for you): PART II

I'm finally detailing my journey to becoming an Interior Designer through the careers I've attempted and the lessons I've learned along the way. Click here to readPart I of How I Became an Interior Designer

LESSON #4: PLAY TO YOUR STRENGHTS

Here was the problem with Real Estate--I didn't like to hard sell people on anything. Buying a home is a big investment and my thought was if you want it, you should buy it. You should NOT buy a home, however, because I talked you into doing so. I didn't like having to call people up and pester them about whether they or their friends wanted to buy/sell their homes in 7 days--it actually made me uncomfortable, partly because there was too much small talk involved (I don't really do small talk). I tend to be a pretty decisive person, so working with clients who were incredibly indecisive didn't feel empowering....it just felt like an energy suck. It was Divine Guidance that those I-know-what-I-want-and-I'm-ready-to-buy-right-now clients never came to me--I didn't sell a single house during those months at my real estate brokerage & in hindsight I'm thankful that I didn't. If I had, it definitely would've encouraged me to "try harder" to make that job work instead of moving towards something better. One of my strengths was my confidence & passion about the things I believed in but I found that I was neither confident nor passionate about selling real estate. So instead of trying to strengthen one of my "weaknesses"...I moved in the direction of my strengths.

LESSON #5: PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT'S ALL AROUND YOU

Which brought me back to my house. By now, renovations on my 1984 fixer upper were in full swing. Prior to moving in I'd repainted the interior (which was originally pink!), removed all of the old carpet and updated the entire first floor with bamboo flooring to get the place in livable shape. Having purchased a house with SO many projects to complete I religiously read design & renovation magazines to get inspiration for my projects and devoured them like wildfire. Even though money was tight, working on my house became a mini obsession.

Late one night I stumbled across a blog and...itessentially changed my life. It was 2009 and I'd never seen a blog before (didn't even know what one was!), but I stayed up all night reading page after page of decorating & lifestyle posts. And then I clicked on a link and found another person sharing about her life & DIY projects and I.was.hooked. What was this fascinating little online world where people built community by sharing the details of their lives??! After a few weeks of spending countless hours a day reading blogs I started thinking that maybe I could do it, too. I wasn't sure that anyone would read what I had to say but I still figured, "Why not??". I reserved a name on blogspot.com (Meditations on Life & Style--which I thought was VERY cool at the time) and on May 28, 2009 I wrote my very first blog post (read it here). When I started blogging I wasn't sure what I was going to write about...but I kept going anyhow. I took advantage of all the extra space in my new house & went back to refinishing furniture as I had done in my first apartment. One day I decided to start sharing those DIY refinishing projects on my blog and it took off. As my refinishing skills increased I started selling my furniture online (Craigslist, Etsy & later, One Kings Lane) and then readers started emailing me & asking for design help. By November 2010--only 18 months after penning my first blogpost--I officially launched Dayka Robinson Designs and the rest, as they say, is (documented) history.

So as you can see, my path to Interior Design was far from straight. I "tried on a lot of hats" before I found something that fit and during those years I felt a ton of confusion, frustration & despair at my "inability" to find my way. Let me clearly acknowledge this because I don't think enough of us do: it sucks not having something to pour your heart into especially when that's the one thing you want most in the world (and I don't mean someone). So many of us are raised to "just get a respectable job" and when you couple that with the desire to do basic, normal things like live independently, own a car, treat yourself to a nice dinner and pay your bills on time, the pressure to settle for the first job offering a little bit of money is REAL...even though you know you're gonna suffocate. This road (following your heart) isn't the easiest road because much of the path is built as you walk it & no two paths look exactly the same. It is, however, the most rewarding by far. And when you have the courage to walk away from jobs (situations/people) that don't fit & continue seeking out your next true thing, you'll look back and find that you've gained an intangible education that money couldn't buy. All of those "awful jobs"?? If you keep going you'll eventually find that they all played in your favor because each one taught you something valuable about yourself or confirmed with all certainty what not to do. And even the perceived "setbacks" are a step forward--this game is a marathon, not a sprint.

In my years of searching I learned that: (1) How I feel about the work I do matters. (2) Working in a supportive environment is important. (3) If it ain't right, it ain't right. (4) Play to my strengths and (5) Pay attention to what's all around me. And you know what? Today these lessons are are as true as they ever were. They served me years ago to help find my way to interior design and now they're helping me to create an even larger vision--a holistic business that I'm incredibly proud of and excited for. 7 years ago I NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS would've predicted I'd be a successful Interior Designer....and yet by Grace, here I am. I say this all of the time but only because I believe it so deeply: whatever is calling you, run towards it as if your life depended on it. Because it does.

It's your road and yours alone. Others may walk it with you but no one can walk it for you.(Rumi)

Click here to read Part I of my journey

image via Hilary Maloney

HOW I BECAME AN INTERIOR DESIGNER (& why awful jobs can be good for you): PART I

NEWSFLASH: I was just your average college student. I'm a proud Spelman Woman but I didn't really showcase my aptitude in school (though I had a great time!). I remember graduating and feeling a bit of a panic, not knowing "what I was going to do with my life" because I hadn't followed a traditional path. While most everyone I knew spent their summers in great internships or studying abroad, I was home & hanging out with friends, working at Outback Steakhouse--far removed from cool companies or groundbreaking research. After graduating a little behind schedule, I started working for Kroger corporate and found myself smack dab in the middle of job purgatory. My California experience was great but upon transferring to Atlanta & approaching the 1 year mark, quickly it became a job that sucked the life out of me. Three of us worked in a teeny tiny office on the second floor of a warehouse made of cinder blocks with zero exterior windows. Each desk faced a wall. I remember I used to dread Saturdays because it meant that the next night I'd have to get ready to go right back to work (and you know your job sucks when you're dreading Saturday nights). When my manager pulled me aside one day to tell me that I "needed to stop talking about my upcoming graduation around the office because it was flaunting it in the face of everyone else who didn't have a degree" (people who were all at least 15 years older than me), I knew it was time to go and I did.

In hindsight, there were some great things about that job though. Not only did it get me back to  Atlanta (and cover some of my tuition) but I also got to know some really great guys who worked in the grocery/freezer warehouses on the facility. Guys that, after my having only worked there a few months, banded together to help me move into my new furniture-less apartment. And since I was determined to make that house a home, I spent the weekend before & after my move scouring thrift stores for gently loved furniture and casegoods that I could refinish & re-love. I had no idea at the time that this "thrifting phase" would play such a huge role in my life as I moved forward. I tried to hold out at that job as long as I could but around the 1 year mark I decided that it was time to go.  Before I left I'd started thinking a lot about what I could do/wanted to do next and I knew I wanted something that would be interesting & exciting with a lot more freedom. Hair & beauty was the thing that I was into at the time and it was seemed like a really fun and creative career so you know what? I bit the bullet and enrolled in hair school.

Lesson # 1: HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT THE WORK YOU DO MATTERS.

Lesson #2: WORKING IN A SUPPORTIVE ENVIROMENT IS IMPORTANT.

Let me tell you what I loved about hair school:that I could be myself. For the first time in my life I found myself in an environment where the most successful people I knew were actually making money by being themselves. Wild hair? Cool. Tattoos? Fabulous. Piercings in your lip? No one cared. Hair school wasn't about how you dressed or what college you went to but solely about skill. There were some things I didn't take to (strict rules & set schedule), but what really made me feel free was the creative aspect of it all--the environment was charged with an energy of creativity.  It's the first place I learned that if you carry yourself like an expert, people will believe you're one. Having a creative outlet & being able to wear what I wanted were things that I loved....but after logging hundreds of hours learning the technicaI skills, it became apparent that I really didn't want to stand up and "do hair" all of my life after all. My feet were sore from standing all day, I wasn't that great at small talk and I didn't want to discuss the finer points of pop culture day in & day out (clearly all stylists don't experience this but I believe it was my experience because I wasn't supposed to be there). After working in a salon for a few months I realized that I was more suited to be a salon manager than a stylist (another clue!), but even that wasn't something that I wanted to pursue with reckless abandon. So once I completed my hours to graduate, I just stopped trying to force it. I didn't think I was good enough to be a stylist...but it wasn't my self-critical nature that turned me away: I simply didn't have a passion for the job. I caught some flack and felt ashamed that I'd "wasted" that money but it just wasn't going to be a good fit in the long run. I never took the State Boards to become a licensed cosmetologist or anything, I just stopped....and never looked back.

LESSON #3: IF IT AIN'T RIGHT....IT AIN'T RIGHT. 

While I was working at the salon, my lease was ending and my father suggested I start looking for a home to purchase. I knew early on that I was looking for something that I could put my own stamp on--change the flooring here, mini bathroom renovation there.I liked the satisfaction that came with getting my hands a bit dirty and missed having an open space where I could paint & refinish thrift store furniture to my liking. I would search the home listings on my own, drive past the properties I liked and then send my realtor a final list of the homes I wanted to see inside of. We did that until I landed on a house I thought could be perfect and I promptly put in an offer, closed the deal and became a homeowner (2006). Closing on my house marked the end of my salon days but the beginning of a new career--Real Estate. It seemed like a shame to let everything I'd learned in my home buying process go to waste and I really liked looking at houses so I thought, "I could make a pretty good real estate agent".

I was a lot like Little Red Riding Hood in those days, desperately trying to find something that fit so I could have a career I could take pride in. Something where I'd feel stimulated, excited & engaged with work that I'd be proud to share with my friends & family. I simply refused to spend the majority of my waking hours endlessly complaining about a job. The thought of being miserable for 40 hours/week had me crying myself to sleep some nights because finding meaningful work was turning out to be harder than I'd thought.

CLICK HERE FOR PART TWO