JUST SHOW UP.

Every Friday when I send this letter out I am SO incredibly grateful for your feedback and the fact that many of you take the time to share pieces of your life with me. Your emails remind me that I'm on the right track and that I'm not the only one thinking the way that I do. You remind me that I'm not alone. But my reasoning for sending writing these letters is actually quite selfish. The truth is, I do this for me.

I'm doing this because for years I thought that being a writer meant that my name needed to appear on the NYT bestseller list. Or that I needed to have a byline in a major publication. Or that people should know my literary name--and my work--without my having to explain any details.

But these things do not a writer make. 

You know what makes a writer?

Writing. 

That's it.

Sitting down every day and committing to give breath to ideas by writing them down.

Even if it's just in my journal, or in a friend's birthday card, I know that I am a writer. I care deeply about the process of articulating my thoughts & find great JOY in the act putting them down on paper. These things alone make me a writer.

And I'm a writer because I said so--not anyone else.

But sometimes the best that I can manage to bang out is just a paragraph. Or all I have is the beginning of an idea that even I don't yet fully understand. Sometimes it's 6pm on Thursday and I have NO idea what I'm going to write for Friday at 6am.

And you know what??

I'm learning that's okay. 

Every week may not be a home run. Every letter may not hold some deep & profound truth or conversely, it may hold an idea that goes completely over everyone's head. But I'm realizing that NONE of that matters.

What matters is the act of just showing up for the work.

Judging how good it is--or how it should be changed/edited/condensed--is actually Step 4 or 5. ButStep 1 is all about actually getting the work done. Giving life to the ideas. Creating sentences from the thoughts.

I thought about this last night at 10pm after I spent the majority of the day in bed with a rough upset stomach. A big part of me wanted to just push this letter off until next week but then I heard a voice that reminded me:

You need to write something.

Because these emails are first & foremost about the discipline of doing the work I say I want to do. Everything else--how good, how long, how eloquent--is secondary. 

And just like that--at 10pm last night--I got the inspiration for this letter. What normally takes hours & hours took less than 90 minutes, because it just came pouring out.

The only thing that I have to do, every day, is find a way to honor my calling. Sometimes that's as small as a private journal entry, a thank you card for a kind gesture or public social media post but IT ALL COUNTS.

Every single bit of it.

I am a writer, so my job is to write and consistently show up to create this letter. No judging of the work is allowed in the early stages. Because when you do work that you love there is no "there"...you just keep working as long as there's something inside of you that wants to be born.

And the only way you can birth it is to show up.

Grab the pen. Pick up the paintbrush. Make the beat. Write the song. Create the code.

Today I've shown up to be a writer.

Who/What are you showing up to be???

THE MOST POWERFUL QUESTION YOU CAN ASK.

Two weeks ago, on March 4th, one of my best friends lost his father very suddenly. He was seemingly healthy, active & by all accounts, led a very full life.

And yet one minute he was here, and the next minute he was gone.

His death came just seven days after my birthday, when I shared this post about my own experience with my father's death exactly 10 years ago. My father--who also transitioned very suddenly--passed away on the day before my 28th birthday, so it's a date I've never forgotten. And it's eerie how I publicly shared these words about that time in my life just days before his father's death, completely unaware that I was actually talking directly to someone in my inner circle.

As you can imagine I've spent much of the last 2 weeks thinking a lot about grief, death, friendship, love & how we care for those closest to us.  This post is about one of those things.

After my father died I quickly came to the conclusion that asking bereaved people that all too familiar, "How are you doing?" was quite possibly thedumbest question in the world. Every time someone asked I'd always think to myself, "I just lost my father--how the fuck do you think I'm doing right now???". The question seemed to be simple, thoughtless & terribly annoying.

But then, 13 days ago, one of MY people lost one of HIS people. And all I really wanted, every day, was to ask him how he was doing.

How is your soul feeling today? Where are you emotionally? How are you processing things? 

Because as much as we're socialized to automatically ask "How are you?" as a mindless form of greeting, there are moments in life when that question truly is the only thing in the world that you want to know.

How is your heart in this moment?How do you feel in the world today? 

And now I understand, in a way that I couldn't have before, why asking people "How are you?" actually isn't the worst question in the world.

You wanna know what the worst question is?

No question at all. 

Because not asking is to presume that you already know the answer.

And that in itself can be like an act of aggression.

You ask so that you can give people a space to own their own feelings.And you ask because inquiring how someone is doing--and truly meaning it--is actually an act of love. 

One of my favorite authors, Rob Bell, taught me that the simplest things are often the most profound. He reminds me of the importance of making old things new again & encourages me to constantly uncover new meaning in the midst of the everydayness of life. Because perspective, time & evolution have shown me that simple question--the one we mindlessly ask all the time & the one I once thought to be the "dumbest question in the world"--is actually one of the most powerful questions I can ever ask.

This experience, even though we're just a few days in, has helped me bring profound meaning to what has always been right in front of me.

My friend is grieving because he loved someone. And I'm here, writing this, because I love my friend.

I can't tell you much about the road he must now walk but I can tell you all about the one I walk beside him.

It starts & ends with four simple words:

How are you doing???

IT'S JUICY IN THE MIDDLE.

A few years ago there came a point in my life where things got a little stale. Life was good but generally speaking, everything was very middle of the road.The highs weren't too high & the lows weren't too low. Living felt safe and easy. Too easy.

Because deep down I knew that I was selling myself short. 

So I put a tiny wrench in my predictable flow by deciding to book a solo trip to Istanbul--a place that wasn't even on my radar until I decided to go. I'd never been, didn't know the language & didn't know a soul. Everyone thought I was crazy to venture to Turkey alone & my mom strongly encouraged me to rethink my decision. I was scared to death because I didn't have all of the money to go and I'd even turned down a high profile design opportunity on the bet that I would be out of the country. But none of this mattered, because something was telling me that I needed to make that trip...and the minute I told the world that I was going to Istanbul, every single thing fell in line--I even scored an airline ticket at 50% off of the published price! 

I always say that the Universe will honor us when we honor ourselves, and this is just one of MANY times I've seen this principle work in my own life. Following my intuition to Istanbul ended up being one of THE best gifts I've ever given to myself.

It was there that I learned my strength, adaptability & capability aren't just limited to the United States. Or to English-speaking countries. And it was there, while eating baklava along the Bosphorus Strait, that I understood the cost of playing it safe & easy meant I would be settling for an undiscovered life. And being in Istanbul showed me that was a price I couldn't afford to pay.

It's a lessonI haven't since forgotten.

Here's the thing about settling for the lesser life:it will never get you to the juice. 

It's like hanging on the side of the pool because you know you can get wet without exerting any effort. You've got your bathing suit on & you're out there having fun, feeling like you're really getting the best of both worlds until one day you look out and realize you've been had because the real merriment is actually happening in the middle of the pool!! Everyone is doing all kinds of exciting things with both hands because the people in the middle decided to let go of the edge so they can have more experiences. The Middles are lit AF!! They can swim underwater, do cannonballs, play Marco Polo & even get in a friendly round of water polo, all while you're looking on from the outskirts, missing the action 'cause you're still hanging onto the side of the pool. Over there trying to "take it easy".

But the edge isn't as appealing once you realize the secret--the middle is where the juice is.

It's the metaphorical place where you become the storyteller of your journey.Moving across the country for new love? Leaving a secure 9-5 job to follow your passion??None of it can happen unless you let go of the edge & swim out to the middle. Because making a better story is all about opening up to the unknown.It's about letting go of who we are to make space for the potential of who we must become. 

So how exactly do you get to the juicy middle??  You do it by constantly asking yourself, "What will give me an opportunity to grow into a deeper version of myself??" and "What will make for a better life story??".And then you act accordingly. It could be as small as joining a new social group or it could be as big as finally leaving a stale relationship. No matter the move, you know when it's your time to move and you go--even in the face of uncertainty. For me, it was going to Istanbul alone, led only by the guidance of a deep knowing in my soul--my intuition.

This is the epiphany led me to launch "Lost & Found Marrakech", which is my unique way of creating a space for community & adventure to co-exist along the backdrop of the North African desert. It's my attempt to gift to other women a little bit of the same freedom, confidence, & thrill that I experienced in Istanbul. The kinda things that can change your life.

So if you've been thinking about joining me in Marrakech, knowing that you need to go but paralyzed by your what-ifs, think about what I said earlier and honor yourself so that the Universe can honor you.Deposits are due today & there are still a few spaces left--could one of them be for you?? Take inventory & ask yourself, "What will give me an opportunity to grow into a deeper version of myself??" and if coming to Marrakech feels right for you, I'd love to have you.

Hop over here to learn more. And feel free to email me if you have questions!

Masalama.

REAL ONES.

They say that making friends is harder as you get older but I don't buy into that theory.

I say that the more you grow into YOURSELF--and commit to pursuing activities/groups/places you really love--the more you attract similar people who genuinely love the same things you do. 

I think it only gets hard when, somewhere along the way,you stop going after the things that set your soul on fire. 

Now I will say this: I definitely see a difference in the QUANTITY of friends I have now, versus when I was younger. Back then there were more people to club with, gossip with, shop with, hang out with. I was young(er) & on my own for the first time--clear across the country--so all I really wanted to be was "grown". I wasn't looking for anything except to finally fit in somewhere and to know that I belonged...and I'm sure you can guess how that story goes....

But there was also a difference in the QUALITY of people I had back then, too. These days, everyone I'm close to is someone I met effortlessly while being 100% myself--the Dayka with the witty, sarcastic sense of humor, who asks a bunch of questions, loves curse words & has a naughty habit of interrupting people when she gets excited about a good conversation.We are held together by a strong core belief that God is always conspiring in our favor, even--and especially--when it doesn't look like it, and we constantly affirm this for one another.

We speak of crystals...and energy fields...and oracle cards...and possibility...and Grace (and we hit on the ratchet stuff, too!). The width of the crew may be smaller these days but the depth is the deepest I've had yet. I know I've got some amazing friends but the truth is....they are all just reflections of me.Because you can only attract who you are. 

One of the best things you can do for yourself is to create a kindred tribe of friends because your success, however you define that word, is absolutely tied to it. I'm not talking about the "good time" people who are always down to turn up at a moment's notice--instead I'm talking about the kinda friends who will gladly "hold space" for you when you can't do it for yourself. The kind of friends who really, really like you just as you are right now. The ones you can send a text saying "Do you have a minute to encourage me?" and your message will barely hit their inbox before they're dialing your number seconds later (I know 'cause I just sent this text last week!).

And you know how you meet these kinda people? By telling the truth about who you are.Because when you lead with the truth about who you are it becomes a lot easier for your life follow suit. You start going to events that truly interest you, whether that's a quilting conference (hey Ari!), a private gemstone sale or a night at the symphony.You're more likely to get on a site like Meetup.com to find interesting new social groups or to buy a ticket to hear your favorite author speak out of state...even if that means you have to go alone.You start intentionally doing the shit that interests you for no reason other than the fact that you like it. And because that kind of behavior is energetically attractive (you know,the whole taking responsibility for you own happiness thing), other people will see you and say, "You know, I have this friend I think you should meet..." and you start getting connected to other amazing people with little to no effort on your part.

All because you're honest about who are. 

Don't fall into the hype that creating genuine relationships is hard. Don't hang around people who want you to join them in complaining about how awful life is, how fucked up men/women are or who folks who love to lament how things are "never gonna change". Don't hang around people who always talk about how "broke" they are, who never take personal responsibility for their behavior or people who can't be grateful for the good stuff even when it's right in front of their face. I could give you a laundry list of reasons why you shouldn't hang around these people but here's the most important one: what they're saying simply isn't true. 

You're only as good as the people you allow to share & speak into your life. Get you some friends (yes, "get you") who will lift you up, encourage you, support you...fill your squad with people whom you ADMIRE. If you don't have friends who will speak LIFE into you...make that a priority in 2017. The people you attract in life are just a reflection of YOU. If you don't like the company you keep, well then...the first place to start is in the mirror.

ALL YOU NEED IS 1%.

In Numerology it's said that 2017 is the year of New Beginnings (2+0+1+7=10=1+0=1), but new beginnings aren't always as simple as just walking into a new life. Big, new beginnings are actually just a bunch of tiny endings in disguise--and never has this been more apparent than now, as I prepare for a new life in a new place. I know I'm not the only one experiencing this itch...everyone I know who's undertaking something fresh and new is feeling a bit uncomfortable & scared, while simultaneously being 1000% certain that they must do the thing that is calling them. Welcome to Vulnerability 101...

This weekend, while spending my 38th birthday relaxing in bed, the scripture about "faith the size of a mustard seed" randomly popped into my mind & I started thinking about just how TINY a mustard seed is. I thought about how doubt, confusion & discomfort are intimately tied to the process of change and it made me remember that the amount of faith required to do amazing things is actually really, really small.

You only need a little bit more faith than fear to get you through uncertain times. Like, 1% more. You don't have to immediately know who's gonna help you or how things are gonna line up--you just need to have faith that the help WILL be there when you need it. And thinking about it this way makes embarking on those "impossible" things a bit easier 'cause 1% feels like a no-risk kinda investment. It feels like something I can happily sign myself up for.

So I pulled myself out of bed & went off to buy some mustard seeds--I needed to feel what that kinda faith felt like in my hands. And then I went to a dollar store & bought some tiny gift bags. I searched online for my favorite version of that scripture, typed up a few copies, hit "print" & then rolled them up like scrolls and placed one in each bag along with a little mustard seed. I knew I wanted to give my friends a gift at my dinner later that night & I'd just stumbled on the perfect thing--a "portable faith kit". (lol)

In the restaurant a few hours later, I gave the bags out to my friends & explained that my gift was to be a tangible reminder of the fact that embarking on all of the amazing things in our "new lives" also meant that much of our "old lives" had to die.Which of course feels scary.And not a lot of fun. But that if we can just remember to tap into that 1% more every day, it will be enough to carry us through the uncomfortable places.All we need is 1%.

Holding this bag in my hands & rolling this seed between my fingers helps me to really FEEL what this means.  I carry mine in my purse so I can touch it often & every time I do I'm reminded that I don't have to move mountains, I just need to believe that mountains can be moved.And that alone is good enough. 

I shared this message on social media & got a lot of messages/comments from people who shared that they were going through much of the same thing, and because I know that I'm not alone--that we're not alone--I wanted to send out an email to share this you all, too.

Never forget that the big things in life are just a bunch of little things in disguise. No matter what anyone says, you actually don't have to know the entire game plan before you start--you just have to start.And you start by deciding you want something different than what you have & by choosing to believe that something new is possible. From there anything can happen...and it will.

All you need is some faith the size of a mustard seed. All you need is 1%. 

And if you feel like you could use one of my "portable faith kits", just let me know by commenting with your email address & I'll contact you directly to send one in the mail!

3 WEEKS IN MARRAKECH, LISBON & MADRID.

2 different continents. 3 different countries. 3.5 weeks.

That's a lot mind blowing experiences to process in a relatively short amount of time.

It's taken me awhile to really put this trip into words (well, words long enough for a blogpost) because there are layers & layers & layers of magical experiences & a-ha moments that happened during my time abroad. The Cliff Notes version?This was one of the best trips of my life. 

When you take a trip like this it's never just about what happens once you arrive--at least not for me. It's not about how many great things there were to buy in the Medina of Marrakech or scoping the famous paintings at the Prado museum in Madrid (I didn't go!), or seeing the ancient Moorish castles outside of Lisbon. Instead, the memories that endure are marked by unexpected moments....like what it feels like to be on an airplane where the flight crew addresses the cabin in multiple languages--none of which are your native tongue--so you never quite have a handle on exactly what's going on.Or the traditional Moroccan Gnawa troupehired for a private performance that ended their set by playing Bob Marley's "Redemption Song"....in Arabic. Or your first night in Madrid when you learned that in Spanish you say "Queremos la cuenta" meaning "We want the check" instead of "Can we have the check?", which is what you'd say in English.  And then there's what happens when you get back home and realize that while everything is technically the same....nothing FEELS the same anymore. Somewhere between navigating the souks in Marrakech & going on dates in Madrid, you had your entire life recalibrated. It's not until you get back home that it really hits you....you're not the same person who left.

2 different continents. 3 different countries. 3.5 weeks.You'd be surprised at how much can change in that time. 

This trip is getting it's own dedicated podcast episode next week but in the meantime, here's the basics of what you should know:

#1:Lost & Found Marrakech, the trip I curated & launched back in April of this year, was AWESOME. The group of women who booked this trip was the perfect fit and I said more than a few times on Instagram that I thought we fit together like puzzle pieces, each with our own personalities & experiences--curves & edges--that integrated well. We were able to learn from one another, there were connections made in ways that I couldn't have anticipated, and there was a cross-section of perspectives, experiences, and geographical locations represented which meant that each woman brought something unique to the table.

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Some were married and/or had kids, some weren't. Some women were frequent international travelers and others weren't. Every one seemed genuinely interested in each other & in making connections which was one of my main goals for this trip...and it made me proud to know that I'd attracted such a group. There were some who didn't want to spend all of their time in the old city (Medina) so they went to spas, new restaurants in Gueliz (new city), booked day trips to waterfalls and took advantage of the stunning Marrakech hotels by spending afternoons relaxing by the pool. Then there were others (like myself) who were content to explore the vastness of the Medina, eat/drink their weight in tea & local cuisine, visit ancient historical sites and scour the souks for the best textiles & spices that Morocco had to offer.And you know what?It was all good.

There was no ONE right way to do this trip, because my goal was for each woman to create what she wanted.I don't believe in setting strict itineraries prior to arrival. As I love to say, making plans is fine but I've found it much more gratifying to be open to what each destination is WANTING to show you about itself....and it never tells you its secrets until you get there.  My only "requirements" were to be open to the experience and to always remember that we were Americans in Morocco....and not the other way around (<<--this is SUPER important). In preparation for our trip, each month I created a 6-8 page guide with travel advice & tips on what to expect in Marrakech & one of the things I kept reiterating was that, as the curator, I am here to provide the vehicle but it is up to YOU to create the experience that you wish to have in Marrakech. I'm here to hold space for you as you create YOUR OWN story. And create their own stories, they did.

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One of the most extraordinary experiences was when we went ATV'ing for half a day in the desert surrounding Marrakech. OMG. Absolutely perfect temperature.Not a single cloud in the sky.Navigating through wide open spaces & not a spec of civilization around for miles and miles.Saying that it was spectacular, breathtaking, and/or magnificent wouldn't be an overexaggeration. Something special happened that day, and it was one of those things you don't even know you NEED to experience...until you experience it. Riding that bike I kept thinkingto myself,

Remember this moment: You are in Africa. With 7 other women. Riding a 4 wheeler. In the middle of the desert. On a SCHOOL DAY. THIS is what it means to be FREE.  

Collecting these moments is what I live for.

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Marrakech itself is an INCREDIBLE city and it's a place to which I'll absolutely return again & again...to the point that I'd love to spend an extended amount of time there. The culture, the food, the people, the history, the language, the lifestyle--it was literally like experiencing another world. And traveling there as a member of several demographics--a solo female traveler, a single Black woman, and even with a group of single American women--I felt INCREDIBLY safe. And this is from someone who is VERY mindful about her safety, both stateside AND abroad. I'm so glad that all of my internet research didn't deter me from designing this trip because if I'd believed what I read on several blogs & YouTube videos--that men were aggressive, that it was unsafe and/or unwelcoming to solo women--I would've missed out on the trip of a lifetime.Here's the truth:I didn't have one single negative interaction while in Morocco...but I imagine that's also because I made myself VERY aware of the culture before I left. I knew how to dress respectfully. I learned a few Arabic words (like, a FEW). I knew not to stare (without sunglasses on) or be chatty with men I didn't know (as we're accustomed to doing in the US). So I found the men to be curious....but charming and mostly respectful. We got called "Obama" a few times (which happened to me before in Turkey), or "Fish & Chips" and "Rasta" (always directed towards specific women in the group) but there was never a time when any of us felt unsafe. Ever. And as they love to point out, according to the Global Peace Index you're actually safer in Morocco (#91) than you are in the US (#103) so that puts things in perspective, too. ;-)

So if you're wondering if you should go to Marrakech?My advice is to GO. Do your research & respect the culture, but by all means GO.  If you love to experience different cultures & traditions, don't mind a LOT of walking, aren't a picky eater, want to experience a different way of life and don't expect every country you visit to be like the US, then you'll have a fabulous time.

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#2: Lisbon is breathtaking. You'll need to bring your walking shoes & probably humble your ego a bit--before those steep streets & hilly neighborhoods do it FOR you--but it's a beautiful city RIGHT on the Atlantic Ocean with a wonderfully interesting language, the freshest fish you'll ever eat, and stunning architecture. There's something about that city that I still can't quite put my finger on (in a good way!), but I loved wandering the neighborhoods & squares alone as a solo traveler, hopping off & on the historical #28 tram, stopping by for daily chats with my favorite shopkeeper, visiting the UNESCO World Heritage Sites in Sintra, finding my favorite local places to eat and just making my way throughout this city for 5 days. It's the perfect weekend trip from Madrid (1 hour flight!) and is definitely worth a visit if you ever find yourself in that neck of the woods. Also, Portugal is #5 on the GPI. FIVE. 

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#3: Madrid.Ohhh Madrid. This city is so beautiful and is (thankfully!) home to some of the finest men God has ever created! (Don't believe me? Gloria even ranked them #6 on her list of 10 countries with the hottest men in the world.) I must've said it about 40 times during my 2 visits there (my route: Marrakech, Madrid, Lisbon, then back to Madrid), but Madrid reminds me so much of NYC, just a much cleaner, much more relaxed version. Energetically, the people are much more easy going--no one feels like they're grinding or hustling their way through life, which I love. They live by a totally different lifestyle than what we're accustomed to here....all about enjoying life & taking your time for meals and conversations. Spain has it's own culture & language (both Catalan, which is NOT Spanish, and Castillian Spainish are spoken) and while it's more Western than Morocco (duh), you'll get an instant wake up call when you open your mouth to have a convo & find that no one around you speaks English. Or you run to the grocery store to grab some juice & snacks for the house and find that they're closed from 1pm-4pm every day for siesta. Or when you learn the hard way that dinner doesn't start until 9pm. ¡Bienvienidos a España!

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Of every country I visited,I probably learned the most about myself in Madrid. That city made me think A LOT about the importance of language and the meaning/socialization of culture and patriotic elitism.I thought about my Blackness (hard not to the way people, particularly older folks, will STARE at you) and what it means to have your identity rooted in being Black in America.I thought a lot about where I am in my life, what I want moving forward and what I need to continue to expand. Being there made me realize that I'm supposed to be bilingual--almost like somewhere deep down, there's a genetic memory of me knowing Spanish fluently.My mouth surely wanted to say things that my brain doesn't yet know, so I took that as a sign. I loved the fact that having my language stripped away meant a heightened sense of awareness about what was going on around me....but that it also gave me the ability to totally zone out and focus on my thoughts (easy to do when you don't understand 70% of what's happening around you). I loved texting men in Spanish (thanks, Tinder!). And I found myself paying attention to so many things I'd typically overlook back home, which made me realize just HOW MUCH the familiarity with my daily routine causes me to miss out on the little things. 

Trying to navigate a country in a language with which you're not fluent is the most uncomfortable, vulnerable feeling ever.

And even with that being said...I fell in love with Spain.

I loved it so much that even before I made it back to the States, I'd already made the decision to move to Spain next year. I loved it so much that 2 days after getting back to Atlanta I started in a 6 week Spanish intensive to improve my competency (using the Graded Reader method, which I LOVE). And I loved it so much that 3 weeks after getting homefrom this whirlwind trip I booked my ticket back to Spain for April 2017. Because when you know, you just know. And because time waits for no woman. Not even me.

So off to Spain I go! 

And there you have it--a snippet of my experiences from 3.5 weeks in Marrakech, Lisbon & Madrid. I'll cover the rest in my next podcast but hopefully this starts to answer the question I hear so often these days, "Tell me about your trip!!". If you have a specific question you'd like to answer in the podcast just leave a comment below or drop me an email.

Adiós amigos!

THIS IS MY WHY. (Part Two)

PART TWO CONTINUED.....

When we think there's something wrong with who we are, we try to find ways to fit in & disappear.

Simply because we don't understand our own self worth. 

In my case, I thought my success lie in trying to shave down my edges & round off my corners instead of uncovering new ways to actually accentuate my unique features. To clearly articulate what makes me, me.
Thank God I eventually I found my way.

But here's why I'm sharing all of this with you:

The early part of my life had to be exactly what it was so that it could prepare me to become the woman I am today--one who's incredibly passionate about personal responsibility and self empowerment, ESPECIALLY as it pertains to women.  

Why? 

Because we're often taught (and even encouraged) to shrink from an early age. And that is EXACTLY why--as adult women--we end up with lives that look NOTHING like the ones we planned so long ago. Because we've been socialized to give our power away before we even realize what's happening. 

Don't be too confident. Don't talk too much. Don't curse. Don't be intimidating. Don't dress like that. Be nice. Learn how to cook. Look like you're 17 even though you're 45. Keep your nails done. Be agreeable. Don't brag about your accomplishments. Keep a clean house. Keep a man. Be sweet. Don't be too demanding. Don't raise your voice. Make sure your pedicure is on point. Keep a Brazilian. Be humble. Wait your turn patiently. Know every sex trick in the book but don't sleep with too many men. Don't stand out too much. Get along with the group. Don't be so assertive. Look pretty. Don't be a know-it-all. And be quiet.

It's fucking exhausting. 

And when we grow up being bombarded with these kinds of messages, it dulls our ability to trust in ourselves & our natural instincts.
Because all we ever hear is "You're doing it is wrong, do it like this instead".
And let me tell you, a lack of trust never, ever turns out well. 
In any situation.

We learn to shrink at home, we learn it in school, we learn it from our fathers, brothers & boyfriends, we learn it from our mothers, colleagues at work & women in our social circles. But it's time to start unlearning some of that stuff if you truly intend on embodying your highest vision of yourself. 

Yet here's the catch: only you can do this unlearning for yourself. 

It is not your parent's job, your best friend's job or your spouse's responsibility to make you feel good about who you really are.
Because worthiness is an inside job, my friend.
So is self esteem.  

And making someone responsible for your wholeness and your empowerment is too much power to give any one person (or group of people) over your life.

And once I really understood this--realizing that I didn't have to wait for other people to change because I could change MYSELF--a whole new world opened up to me.  Remembering that at ALL times, it is not only my right but my responsibility to EMPOWER MYSELF. 

To make choices that are soul affirming.
To stand in my power at all times & not hand it over to someone else. 
To fill my own cup & not expect someone else to do it for me. 
To write my own narrative & create my own love story & fill my life with the things that nurture and affirm ME.
And to remember that the only things I really need are the things that come from within.

So back to him. 

If I had truly known my worth from the beginning, we wouldn't have been together in the first place. 

And once I had the courage to be honest with myself & acknowledge that I simply PUT UP with too much for too long because I didn't know better, something just shifted. I was able to release him from the story I'd been telling (his fault! his fault! his fault!) and start to do the work that really mattered--my own. 

Because taking responsibility doesn't look like pointing out all of the ways he could've shown up better. Instead, it means asking one simple question:

What was it about me that made me decide that kind of behavior was okay in the first place??

And answering that question, my friends, is where the real work starts.

There was a time many years ago when I didn't know better but now I do.
And I want you to know better, too.

This is my Why.

xo,
d. 

THIS IS MY WHY. (Part One)

Dayka Robinson This Is Why 2016

When I was 22 I was in a relationship with someone who told me my hands looked like "slave hands".

It was said as a "joke" but he didn't mean this as a term of endearment...and I certainly didn't receive it as one. 

It was many years later before I was able to call it what it really was--a comment meant to be funny at the expense of my self esteem. But keep in mind this was someone I'd known for a very long time.

Someone who said he loved me.

Someone I shared a bed & my body with.

Someone I wanted to be my husband. 

Can you imagine what it's like to be in relationship with someone who helps you dislike parts of your body that you didn't even know were up for critique??

I pray to God you never have to find out.

It was easy to walk away pointing the finger at all of his faults but many years later it hit me--he was never my real issue. 

It was me all along.

My issue was that I wasn't appalled enough to leave at the first signs of bad behavior. 

That I didn't throw him the deuces when he casually mentioned that an ex-girlfriend (whom we both had restraining orders against) was prettier than me.

And that I didn't bounce when he squeezed his hands around my neck in a fit of rage one summer afternoon. Did he have his own issues?

Absolutely. 

But those were HIS issues, not mine.

My issue was that I didn't know better.

And it's what still makes me feel so sad for that young woman. That no one specifically taught her about the depth of her worth but instead, like most young women, assumed she knew because she fit a few superficial societal markers: educated family with "good jobs", GATE schools & AP classes, exposure to different cultures & experiencing the luxury of travel to distant destinations. 

But those things don't automatically translate into knowledge of self because--as I can now tell you with all certainty--job titles, social classifications & educational degrees don't mean shit when it comes to recognizing your own worth. 

You will never learn about your worth from EXTERNAL THINGS because WORTH IS AN INSIDE JOB.

You hear me?

Worth is an inside job. 

So I made up my own rules as I went along, to fill the gap. I thought holding onto my virginity, graduating from Spelman & having the courage to speak my mind made me someone special.

Someone of value.

I didn't understand that we don't BECOME special--

that there is nothing you can do to BE special because every single one of us is special by sheer virtue of being alive. That the only thing "specialness" requires is breath in your body. It would take me many, many years to understand that...and to learn to let go of the things I'd been holding onto that were never mine to carry in the first place.

So when I talk about Personal Empowerment, know that it comes a deeply personal place. 

It's not just a catchy, social media rallying cry for me--it is thee singular tool I've used to reframe painful stories & disempowering narratives and transform them into teachable lessons...both for myself and for others. 

So do not be fooled--the Dayka you see now is someone I've had to intentionally GROW INTO over the years. 

I was the girl who never really felt like she fit in with the other kids. The one who was never "chosen" by the popular guys. I wasn't having sex, didn't cut class, didn't drink or smoke weed. 

I was just there, in plain sight, desperately wanting to be seen. 

So I spent the early part of my life trying to be different than who I naturally was because I didn't feel like I was good enough with my brown skin, weird name, dysfunctional family & assertive personality, living in a moderately acceptable zip code.

Being one of only a few black girls in my classes throughout elementary, middle & high school definitely didn't help either. 

And because I didn't feel like I fit in, I tried to find ways to make myself smaller than I was because...well, that's just what we do when we think there's something wrong with who we are: 

We try to find ways to blend in & disappear. 

Why?

I'll talk more about tomorrow in Part 2.....